Observing from beyond the solar system, a cultural outsider looks in.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

BDC detonates small nuclear device at Senator Theatre, blames Kiefaber

July 31, 2010

Today the Baltimore Development Corporation (BDC) announced it had unavoidably detonated a small nuclear device, destroying the historic Senator Theatre, formerly located at 5904 York Road in North Baltimore. “This is all Tom Kiefaber’s fault,” noted BDC President M.J. Brodie. “Tom was a bad businessman, and besides, we didn’t like him. He hurt our feelings over a decade ago, and we haven’t forgiven him. We couldn’t allow any part of his legacy to remain and pollute the City of Baltimore. Also, he refused to get an accumulated 71 years worth of his and his family’s personal possessions out of The Senator in one day. We had no choice but to remove it by atomic blast.”

A spokewoman for one of the local neighborhood groups commented, on condition of anonymity. “Prior to the BDC’s decisive solution today, we were very concerned that a reopened Senator Theatre might bring people into the area from outside our neighborhood. We didn’t want those people taking our parking spaces, or driving up and down our streets. That was why we had backed the plan from Buzz Cusack of the Charles Theater, which offered little danger of that. But this new plan by the BDC is even better. Nobody is going to come from outside of the neighborhood just to visit a small radioactive pit.”

But a spokeswoman for the local chapter of People for A Not Entirely Poisonous Planet disagrees. “Nuclear bombs make an area uninhabitable for like, I don’t know, 3 million years, or something,” said Sage Greentree. “I might have come to a movie once or twice a year, if Mr. Cusack reopened the theatre, but I totally don’t want to go visit where The Senator Theatre was now.” Greentree lives outside of the immediate neighborhood, in a treehouse in far-away exotic Charles Village.

Not to worry, says BDC spokeswoman Kim Clark. “The cleansing device we used was much, much smaller than even the tiny nuclear bomb used at Hiroshima. It will only make the Govanstowne and Belvedere Square areas uninhabitable for a few thousand years, and they were pretty much that way already, due to Tom Kiefaber’s mismanagement of The Senator.” Clark added “Nuclear devices aren’t cheap. Tom owes us a lot of money for this.”

In spite of the warnings that their neighborhood would now be uninhabitable, local residents refused to evacuate. “We’ll just go ahead and mutate,” said one. “We’re already good at that.”

BDC President Brodie said he will continue to frequent the area. “Radioactive pits are what urban renewal is all about. Besides, genetic mutation holds no mystery for me. I’m well acquainted with it.”

“Tom Kiefaber’s family owned and operated The Senator Theatre in an award-winning manner for 71 years. The Senator would not still be here without Tom’s heroic efforts over the years,” screamed dangerous deranged psychopath and Friends of The Senator Managing Director Laura Perkins in barely intelligible expletives, before she was dragged away in handcuffs for approaching within a mile of the shiny new radioactive pit.

“The Senator Theatre is not still here,” noted Brodie, “and that’s Tom’s fault.”

Master criminal Kiefaber was unavailable for comment, but a neighbor in Baltimore County said he was busy digging a fallout shelter at his home.

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